I did not know what to write today, only that it needs to happens. Not needed, but needs... not past, but present and future. The last two years laid me OUT, filleted me, and I am hoping-- cut out some of the extra shit that isn't worth carrying along. Is it an early "mid-life" thing or is it just a LIFE thing? We know the answer to that... oh yes we do.
LIFE- beautiful/ugly, complex/simple, present-necessary, sometimes as painful as hell.
I am so glad that I take pictures. When I sat down today I was going to write something so very different. I put the pictures in for a short sweet note--- and they did not sing a shortly or sweetly. Today they are sang to me of aching beauty, brutal change, and walking through it all to right now. Motion is key.
January 2013-- Eugene, Oregon lived some beautiful frosty days. I was not living beautiful days, but thought that being in the frosty terrain might shift that. Taking my camera, my body, and walking out to look. I looked behind (above) and I looked ahead (below).
Looking at these moments right now, on March 1, they both look COLD--FREEZING--BARE--Beautiful.
I can see that there is a path and a place to go, but WHERE? And I am so happy to say that I went, I do not know where, but I moved my sad fanny down that path. I walked myself right in--to the next moment because I. Did. Not. Want. To. Stay. There. I am accepting today that I have no control over where is... but I can walk my self down the path until I like the where better. Maybe it is going to take a while, but I. Can. Walk.
I am a photographer. I take pictures of EVERY thing around me, I need them. The pictures the last 2 years have been helpful and brutal highlighters to my memories. I took a number of pictures of my mom's house after she died, I took pictures of her in her hospital bed, pictures of my us in her room with her. They are raw and I probably won't show them... but they help me. This year I am doing a self portrait every Friday. I want to be able to look at me (January me above.) I want to see myself.
Today, March 1, I am right here... a different place, maybe not where I want to be, but it is not on that frosty path. That is the only thing that I know. I am not on that frosty path. Thank God, I am not on that frosty path.
I keep walking.
The past week has been about having my mind blown at QuiltCon and spending time with my Grandparents in Colorado.
QuiltCon was like taking a vacation to be ME. I was crazy, but really myself... my- ME. (you know the ME isn't slogging and getting bogged down in the daily BS.) Seeing her again was pretty great-- I am so glad she is still alive. Sometimes I forget that she is still hanging out here-- and that we are actually walking the path together?! What-what?! Yes!
My Grandparents, my mother's mom and daddy. They are in their late 80's and are THE most active people I have ever met. They have outlived 2 of their 5 children, lived through the Great Depression and WWII, as well as the rest of the last 80+ years of history. Were they perfect parents? No. Are they perfect people? No. They are 2 people LIVING, and that is messy and beautiful.
They have kept walking, literally and figuratively (you can walk any age), through each and every curve that life has brought their way. They do what they can with what they have... every day. That is what I want. That is what I want this space to continue to be. There is no room in LIFE to be scared-- have fear, yes-- but then walk on. I am walking right now, and I hope that you are too.
Thank you Grandma, for providing me a path back to here.